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Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and
Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk
Its natural to want to maintain a relationship with our former romantic partners
(assuming that the relationship ended on reasonably good terms, of course). We
shared a special bond with them, and they touched our lives and contributed to our
sense of self in ways that we cannot even begin to describe. Just because the
romantic and/or sexual aspects of the relationship have ended, why shouldnt we
include our former partners in our lives in other roles? If we have mutual friends, or
shared custody of children, we will be spending time with our former partners
whether we want to or not. Since we had a positive connection with them on so
many levels, it should be easy to simply become friends, right? Not necessarily.
In many ways, we demand more of our friends than we do of our romantic partners.
Once weve made a commitment to our romantic partner, we have certain
obligations and duties. Were expected to support our partners in both pleasant and
unpleasant circumstances. Our friends have no such obligations to us. On the other
hand, our friends do have to earn the right to be in our lives by supporting us
voluntarily. Interested though our former partners may be in staying friends, they
may not live up to our standards.
Letting go of our old habits and expectations about our former partners takes time.
We need distance and perspective so that we can evaluate what kind of relationship
we actually have with them.
I have a client, who well call Alice. Alice has been married three times. Her second
husband, Jim, had two sons, whom she raised, and remained close to even after she
ended the relationship with their father. Her third husband, Mike, also had a
relationship with her stepsons. In many ways Mike became a surrogate father to
them. Alice is still very friendly with Mike and his new wife, and socializes with them
whenever theyre in town.
Alice recently lost both her mother and a very close friend, both of whom Mike knew
well. Alice was somewhat disgruntled that Mike did not make any offers of support
to help her through her grieving process. She was also disappointed that Mike did
not make any contact with her stepsons when their biological mother passed away.
Alice knew that even a phone call from him would have meant so much to them, and
yet he didnt even manage that.
I helped Alice to untangle this group of extended family relationships bit by bit. The
first thing we addressed was the fact that even though Mike had been a positive role
model for her stepsons, he does not have an actual family connection to them. Alice
was their stepmother; Mike was only their stepmothers husband. As their former
stepmother, Alices continued relationship with her stepsons is reasonable. While
married to Mike, it was appropriate for her to foster a connection between him and
her stepsons. However the entire basis of that connection is their shared
relationship to her. Both of her stepsons are adults now, and both are married. Its a
safe bet that they know how to pick up the phone and initiate contact with Mike if
they want to maintain a relationship with him on their own.
Next, we looked at Alices relationship with Mike. Had her mother and friend passed
away while she was still married to Mike, she would have been entitled to expect
him to provide emotional support to help her through the grieving process.
However, now that shes no longer married to him (and hes married to someone
else), shes not entitled to expect emotional support from him. Alice needed to
adjust her checklists and her expectations in the relationship. She realized that she
could no longer relate to Mike as a romantic partner, or even as someone with
whom she shares a committed relationship.
Ultimately, she recognized that while she can still maintain a cordial relationship
with Mike, he doesnt meet the criteria she sets for her friends. If he were truly a
friend, he would have offered some support to her when she needed it. Since she
cant expect him to be there to support her, she needs to adjust her expectations of
the relationship. Hes not someone on whom she can count for emotional support,
and thats perfectly acceptable. Their relationship has evolved. Theyre still
peripherally involved in each others lives; the nature of the relationship is more of a
pleasant friendship (Alice described it as neighborly). Once she adjusted her
checklists, she was able to let go of the anger she was feeling towards him.
Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to
Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life.
Visit http://www.everyrelationship.com for a FREE report on creating AMAZING Relationships.
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